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| 09:55am 10/03/2005 |
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You ditched me to go to a party with Andrew... |
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| Maybe I'll Catch Fire |
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| 10:36am 08/03/2005 |
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Do you ever feel like you've lost control of your life? Ever feel like you've derailed from the track and you were supposed to go north but you went right at the fork and now your somewhere in south America? I feel like I'm wandering the desert for 40 years without Moses guiding the way. I'm lost. I don't know what to do anymore or how to get back, I can see where I'm supposed to go, but when I start walking there I loose my footing and fall farther away. What am I doing wrong? Why am I so lost? Why am I so scared? I can't trust anybody because they do so many things behind my back. They want me to trust them and are mad because I don't but meanwhile their just chatting away with Ex boyfriends and flirting with new guys and lying about it. And I just sit there and take it. Fucking take it, and I do so many things for you I drive you to class and make you breakfast. When your sad I'm always there for you. Even when youre pissed at me. FUCK CHASE FUCK ANDREW. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT FUCK ME! FUCK ME! Fuck me for having to deal with this shit. Fuck me for being so stupid. I shouldn't have to fucking beg to get you to kiss me. What the fuck!? What is wrong with me. Why do I feel like just jumping off a bridge because of you. Why do I feel like driving blindfolded because of you? Why do I feel like leaving this godforsaken town and never coming back? I hate myself because of you. I feel like a fucking consolation prize. Because thats all I am. It didn't work with Andrew so you come to me. Things with Andrew get better so you go back to him. Chase calls so you go to him. Chase says your weird so you come back to me. Don't say you love me! DONT FUCKING SAY IT! DONT FUCKING SAY IT. Dont say it to me if your saying it to someone else. Don't say it to me if you don't mean it. Don't say it if your not going to act like it. I wish people had an off switch. I'd just flip it off right now, lying cold and lifeless on your floor. Just off. Fucking off. You don't deserve the fucking dingleberry's that hang off a fat mans ass. But you know what. I have to pick you up in an hour. I have to fucking smile and continue to pretend everything is ok. So here let me jam something up my ass to make it that much more enjoyable. What can I find in your room... OH! how about some of andrews love letters? or maybe the ring he bought you, wait no, because your wearing it. I don't know what to do! My time is running out, I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate myself, I fucking hate myself. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I want to take a fucking lawnmower to my head, or a screwdriver to my eye. I can't stand to here myself breathe, I can't stand fucking masterbating because we fucked a month ago because I practically begged and your not ever in the fucking mood. I loathe what I've become. I loathe me! I put my friends aside because of you. Those poor bastards have to listen to me complain about you. And I just can't do that to them again. LOOK AT ME! I sound fucking insane because of you. Maybe I am. I have to be to be in this relationship with you. OKAY WORLD I'm "dating" this girl who is obsessed with her exboyfriend who when I met her they shared a bed. She also wont kiss me in front of his friends or say she misses me anywhere near him or that she loves me. She tells guys she meets I'm just her friend. She bitches at me none stop. I can't say a fucking thing or I'm being an asshole. Somebody help me, someone just fuck me. I don't want to thing about you anymore. I don't want to deal with this feeling anymore. I don't like not being able to trust the girl I'm in love with. Please Stop this please. Your not being fair, you have to think that somewhere. Somewhere in those beautiful eyes you have to realize how unfair you are. You say you want to be my girlfriend but you don't you don't love me. If you did you wouldn't do all this shit to me. it's just not possible. Well I'm gonna go, I have to get ready for work, and later fucking find a way walk out into traffic. |
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| feels silly |
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| 02:53am 28/07/2004 |
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Well yanno I should be able to just cut it off right there, just tell her thats it, but I dunno lemme give it another day. In other news I have to move back in with my parents soon... fun stuff huh. |
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| Oi |
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| 03:14am 26/07/2004 |
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So kinda got upset with her tonite, I think I have the right... she is still sleeping in the same bed as that guy as well as picking fights with him while I'm there. ARGH! LOL SO MUCH ANGST!! |
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| !?! |
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| 04:07am 25/07/2004 |
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It dosn't make sense to me why the fact that I had this journal so long ago and you made fun of it. Although I just find out you have a journal as well, and it's whiny, really whiny. Ill never understand you. Ole journal I dunno what to do or how to feel. This girl im dating, lives with her ex boyfriend, and shares the same bed. How am I supposed to react to that and or deal with that. !?!? |
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| Well looks like im back... |
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| 05:15am 24/07/2004 |
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Ok well, it' been a few years, maybe I need you again ole journal. My last entry involved a girl who decided to leave my life. I still don't completely understand the inner working of that, but all the same I miss her and wish she still was a friend of mine. I'm currently an employee of Cosmic in Fayette mall. And worse off I'm so lonely. I'm dating this girl now, but it dosn't cover up how lonely I really feel. I think my roomates in my apartment secretly hate me because I can't sign the new lease. My best friend jack is helping his family move to south carolina, and im all alone in my room thinking about work tommorrow. Please talk to me. |
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| 04:43pm 18/08/2002 |
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So she's leaving for college, I miss her already. I can't wait to see her again. |
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| Romance on the beach |
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| 12:04am 29/07/2002 |
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7 Moonlit nites and 7 beautiful days. I met an incredible INCREDIBLY gorgeous girl on the beach, Every night I was there we sat and watched the moon and the waves, and all that good stuff, I'll write more later |
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| brush with death |
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| 10:08pm 19/07/2002 |
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well I chocked today for 45 minutes on this damned piece of General Tso's chicken. It got lodged right in my throat, for the first few minutes I couldn't breathe, and I turned blue, but my friend, hit me on the back and "pop" a piece came out, but their was still something obstructing my throat. So spent the rest of the 45 minutes coughing and gagging, OMG it was awful, so finnally my mother shows up and drives me to the hospital and as soon as we got in the parking lot, I punched myself in the throat ( yes punched...and it hurt) then "pop" I felt the damned thing fall right down my esophogus. Well I'm fine now but very hesitant with food...at least food I have to chew, thank god we bought a blender. |
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| 12:38am 14/07/2002 |
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I made it home...here I am home home home.... and nothing to do. |
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| What is The Amarican Dream? |
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| 11:54pm 10/07/2002 |
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I sit here, the cocoa colored rug, at midnight in this condo. The lights are off and the only thing illuminating the room is the tranquil glow of a higresolution laptop monitor. The smell of 49 dollars worth of a single days happiness lingers in my empty pockets. Along with the mildew of 12 hours worth of sweat and murky theme park water. You know the green pasty water, which gives tghe effect of being on a river, which inevitably gets splashed into your open mouth and sprayed on your new Mickey Mouse shirt. One might wonder how such extreme joy can come from the torn stub in your hand, which gave you access to heaven from 9am-9pm, 12 lavish hours. Though in the end you find yourself walking slowly to your vehicle, your eyes ablaze from the "new" fireworks frenzied action, when you know damn well it's repeated everynight, and your humming the background music which is played from rocks with holes in them. Eventually when you make it to interstate 192 on your way out of Orlando it hits you like an epiphony. You've spent 12 hours doing nothing more constructive then watching Tv all day. And you've spent 6 times the amount the cable bill costs. And for waht purpose? your frantic mind begins to ask. You look to the in your right side mirror to see if it's safe to turn, then you change lanes with a quick pressure change to the accelorator. You can see your exit coming up...one mile...you begin to realize you had to pay to get into heaven, or is it hell? Everywhere you turned that day money loomed, Money the reason you work 20-40 hours a week for. The one item which kept you from going to college, you had the intelligence, decent grades, and tons of ambition...but you lacked the funds. And in order to raise your two children you sacrificed college, and flip burgers instead. You worked countless hours extra those past few months to pay for this trip. Though as soon as you get to "where dreams come true" they want your moeny, whether it's for a shirt with a mouse with frisbees for ears, or a water bottle, or even a freakin 4 dollar hamburger, they want your money. And because you have to have a souvenir, or your thirsty they will get your money one way or another. Now you see your exit, and you begin your slow decent down the exit ramp careful not to exceed the 35 mile limit. Meanwhile the corporation you poured money into is growing. And their ever eminant takeover is on it's way. NOt only do they have movies and shirts and countless other souvenirs, theirs toys, soundtracks, themeparks, computer software, and the newest sign off global takeover food. Yes now you can not only enjoy your buzz lightyear movies on the disney channel, or you buzz lightyear toys and pajammas, and your buzz lightyear cup, and your buzz lightyear comfortor, but now your buzz lightyear cereal. For a few dollars and your favorite 2% lowfat milk, you can eat their product. The takeover is almost complete, not too mention the majority of Their movies are variations of other stories and movies. For example Lion King was "adapted" from "Kimba the white Lion". You pull off the exit ramp and wait for the light to signal you to the next lane. It changes to green and you turn to the right, following the signs flashing by and the dotted white line. You remember your child hood dreams and remember no mouse with frisbee ears ever being apart of it, you scoff, "where dreams come true". But then like another epiphony your smacked, your hands jolt causing the rented white Montana to screech out of your designated lane, only for a moment before you've corrected this. You suddenly realize human plight and misery, and it seems to not exist in the thme park walls. With exception to the loud wails of a 4 year old begging his sagging and overweight mother for an ice cream. When inside those walls it is ok to laugh and scream as you wish, the people around you smile and skip from attraction to attraction. For 12 hours you can't even feel the cancer eating away your stomach. You also remember as a teen and reading "Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas" and you remember Dr. Duke and his attorney looking for the American Dream. You put two and two together and you know instantly that Duke was looking in the wrong place, It is here in these confined walls where there is no jail, no governament, and no god. Instead you pay worship to a mouse and his cult following, a cute group of dogs ducks and other morphed animals. You have done it you have found the root of all of your happiness, no longer do you need your frequently visited cigarettes or your every so often joints. You can throw away the acid and the ether, because these parks are the cure. You can live your life with freedom and choices. Imagine the choices... shall you get the fast pass for space mountain, or it's a small world? Or coke or diet coke? These new found discovery has filled you with a new found happiness, a sort of joy you haven't experienced since the first day you discovered masterbation. You finally make it back to your little rented home and rush inside to count your money. To find your broke...unlike those who spend their nest eggs in casinos with a gambling disorder or on booze and drugs, you've thrown your money away for expensive thrills for one day, You don't know what to do. How can life itself be fulfilled without your daily waterrides and funnelcakes. Your panicking now, your about ti lose the American dream, all of your happiness. You don't want to go back into that cruel world of flipping grade D meat. You want to stay here in this supreme luxury. But you can't, you have to be home soon for work and because you have no more money. Everything comes full force back to this one item, which by itself is worthless, but throw in humans and it's invaluable. You have to go home and work again to earn more, and save up for another year before you can return and pay homage to Saint Mickey. You do what any human with lack of education would do, you grab a weapon, in your case it's a silver magnum. 38 calibur and stainless steel it's loaded with an 8 round clip each bullet ready to unleash it's destructive force. Well with this power in your hands, you can put a stop to this foolishness, but you figure, your going to hurt them personally, but you wont actually hurt them you'll do it through you. A mischievous and ignorant smile comes across your lips, as you press the solid steal to your temple. A martyr thats what you'll be, you'll hurt them bad. You squeeze the trigger and the bullet is released, and slams into your temple tearing away the flesh and shattering the bone, microseconds before the bullet ricochets around your skull and turns your brain into soup, you have a final epiphony, the real truth, the absolute truth is their is no American Dream, their is no reality. The happiness you found and loved, and lovwe itself does not exist. The bullet about to mutalate your very being is not real. In death things seem to last longer, you notice this because you can feel the bullet cruising around the inside of your skull and with each slow pass around your cranium one motor skill stops working. You think once again towards your new discovery. Life and those around you all succumb to perception. Everything that exists for me, does not nessaserially exist for you. My color white might really be your color of blue. But through what I percieve it is white. This world around me I have created to be what it is, The reason I have no money is because I have percieved thingsa that way, I'm not so stupid, I just did not percieve my own intelligence, college could have come and so could the money and happiness, and not just happiness bought from an amusement park but happiness found in real life. Though I had to percieve things differently. It all seems to come down to you are what you think you are, and other great sayings similar to this. Wow if you had only known this minutes before you got to raving about money and happiness you would not be putting this bullet into your head. But it's to late for that, like everyone else around you you were blind and oblivious until this moment, but then the bullet hits your very conscience, and severs your thinking and being. No longer are you "I" or you, but now you have enetered nothingness, and your lifeless body slumps to the cocoa colored floor with convulsions. Congratulations you are now just another name in the obituarys. Why didn't I percieve things differently? Is their an afterlife? Well why shouldn't their be, I mean in the end we will all realize this is nothing, just electrons and neurons bouncing signals back and forth. THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! Don't freak you tell your newly dead self. and with this you begin to fade, to completely cease to exist, because you weren't a mormen and that was the right reliigon, so their god eliminates you. Farewell. |
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| Sea Freaken World |
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| 10:59pm 05/07/2002 |
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Today as a family we went to sea world, it rained all day long! Not to mention like an idiot I sat in the front row of the Killer whale show ( I had too, those whales are so beautiful) and was drenched by their act. Despite the cold and rain, those whales amazed me, Their sheer size and incredible strength. I wish I could ;be one. The way they move is just the epitome of grace.
Also I have completely moved into my new house! OH it's gorgeous, it reminds me of a beach house. Well....lets see...hmmm, oh Summerschool is over (gym) and it was really a lot of fun, I met some really cool people! lol and I went to a party and dirty danced!!!! yeah I know I know, I really did! yup I've been a lot less reclusive this summer, and speaking of which this summer has been a lot of fun! WMAHAHA! |
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| 01:45pm 25/06/2002 |
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I LOVE YOU JESSI!!! :) |
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| I'm scared of my own shadow |
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| 12:25am 24/06/2002 |
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I saw Annie about 15 mins. ago, man have I missed her. but on the side... I think I've just completely realized it today, I'm terrified of girls. As soon as I realize they like me, I freakin flip out, I don't know why. I push them away, avoid them, act stupid as shit around them. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? I can't even go on a date with a girl without freaking out, and looking for EVERY little problem with her. Like oh I don't like those earings, she's too giggly, I don't like that necklace, why is she laughing now, What the hell is wrong with me, I don't even have fun, I get quiet, cross my arms and sit there. I need help, I need to get out of this little bubble, and the only girl who has pulled me out briefly is stacy, and after about a week, I pushed her away, and hopped right back into my bubble.
I'm pathetic.
~Jesse |
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| today was fun |
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| 12:17am 23/06/2002 |
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I got a flat tire after work today, and I ended up spending the majority of the day trying to fix it...heheh who would have thought it is such a pain,oh well, Stacy is mad because she thinks that I'm avoiding her...well I sorta am, but today I wasn't!!! She invited me to go see Lilo and Stich, but I couldn't because I had the very much unplanned flat. But whatever, lol I'm fed up with girls this summer. And you can bitch and whine about me complaining about it but I don't care, because obviously I have a problem when I decide not to date someone and they freak out. I dunno what to do, I don't know how to deal with Stacy or the 15 year old.. I don't know. But hopefully things will sort themselves out. hopefully.
~Jesse |
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| 09:41pm 20/06/2002 |
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 |  | All the great heroes can fly. And thats what I am, a great hero. I am well rounded. I have a good sense of right and wrong. I seek to do the greatest good for the greatest number of people, but my friends always come first, especially if it's a romantic interest. Despite my amazing gifts, I prefer a quiet position away from the limelight, maybe among the clouds.
What's your superpower? |
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| 09:41pm 20/06/2002 |
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| | All the great heroes can fly. And thats what I am, a great hero. I am well rounded. I have a good sense of right and wrong. I seek to do the greatest good for the greatest number of people, but my friends always come first, especially if it's a romantic interest. Despite my amazing gifts, I prefer a quiet position away from the limelight, maybe among the clouds.
What's your superpower? |
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| New look!! |
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| 06:15pm 18/06/2002 |
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you like? Things needed to be spoofed up, so I did!?!? MWAHAH! |
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feff's journal